2014 was a trying year for sports fans in the DC area. There were some triumphs and failures, forgettable moments and others that are seared into our memories forever. We witnessed the predictable fall from grace of our chosen savior, saw our beloved football franchise both lose on the field and off (What’s in a name?); but really, the more things changed around here the more they stayed the same.
So, with 2014 behind us and 2015 already well underway, I thought I’d take a look into my crystal ball and preview some of the big stories we’ll have in DC sports in 2015:
1-Daniel Snyder, the much-hated owner/Superfan of the Washington professional football team, will be visited by three ghosts (the ghost of owners’ past, present, and future). These ghosts will show little Danny the errors he’s been making all along. When he wakes up he’ll sell the team and move somewhere far away never to be heard from again.
*Supernatural events may not occur
2-Robert Griffin III will get saved from the hell he’s currently living in via a trade to a new franchise! The Montreal Alouettes will sell the farm to get him too! They’ll send over a lifetime supply of maple syrup, free health care, and a Blu-ray copy of Canadian Bacon in exchange for our savior-turned-pariah, RG3. At first, most fans won’t understand how a trade between the CFL and NFL even works. Then we’ll stop caring once we taste that sweet, sweet syrup.
3- DC United will win the MLS title in front of a crowd of hundreds.
4- The Washington Capitals will play hockey from time to time.
5- Wade Phillips will be hired as the new defensive coordinator. His first order of business he’ll call a press conference where he’ll announce his retirement from the NFL, “I just wanted one last paycheck so I could retire comfortably. And I want to thank Mr. Snyder for that.” In the turmoil to find a new coordinator, and fast, the ‘Skins will make the hire in haste and under pressure…Jim Zorn will be welcomed back into the fold, again hired for a job he doesn’t deserve or know how to do.
6- The Washington Nationals will win 145 games en route to the number one seed in the National League playoffs…only to be swept out of the playoffs in familiar, crushing fashion.
7- The Washington Warthogs (of indoor soccer lore) will return to DC for an exhibition against the Harlem Globetrotters.
8- In his first press conference of the New Year, Skins’ head coach Jay Gruden will continue his blunt approach to the media when he says, “Honestly, I think Mr. Snyder meant to call my brother (John), got me on accident, and said fuck it.”
9- Kirk Cousins will be traded to Michigan State for a player to be named later and a Nike sweatshirt.
10- The NHL will insist on playing hockey games outside, again, in the middle of the winter. Droves and droves of white people will show up and pay whatever is asked of them to stand around and watch big dudes skate around wearing sweaters.
11- Fred Smoot(recently acquitted on domestic battery charge!) will join Chris Cooley, Larry Michael and the corpse of Sonny Jurgensen in the booth for Washington football radio next season. This will be the final knife in Sonny’s back and he’ll retire immediately before he has to try to understand the words coming out of Fred Smoot’s mouth.
12- Kevin Durant will put an end to all of the speculation surrounding his impending free agency in 2016 with a blockbuster announcement! He’ll take the max and stay in Oklahoma City to continue playing with another top-5 player in the world.*He was never coming here. There’s too much money and talent in OKC for him to pack up and leave. KD’s a standup guy, and as nice as his homecoming would be, he’s going to, sadly, do right by the Thunder and stay put.
13- The Washington Wizards will make the Eastern Conference Finals! Look, I know, okay? The East is a terrible conference with maybe only three teams worth anything, but the Wizards are one of those three teams! Ultimately, the Bulls look unbeatable (and with a healthy Rose should win the East), but for a Bullets/Wizards franchise that hasn’t been to the Conference Finals since 1979 (!) it would be a remarkable thing to witness. Ask any Wiz fan, if this happens it will be surreal around here.
14- Washington D.C. will become a finalist for the unwanted 2022 Winter Olympics. At the same time every longtime DC area resident will plan to not be here come winter 2022.
15- The ball will drop on 2016 with no major championships coming to DC, again. The Nationals got people excited last season and flamed out in the playoffs. The Capitals look like a middling franchise once again. The Wizards have talent and cohesion, but are a step below the NBA’s elite. And the Washington Football team might be the worst run franchise in the NFL (I see you Raiders!).
I’ve gone on record many times saying I can’t envision my teams winning a championship, and this year will be no different. But what we can do is continue to show up, tune in or otherwise support our teams; because to give up would be to admit defeat, and I’m just too damn stubborn for that.
Have a great 2015 everyone! In case you missed it, David and I recorded a podcast on 1/6/2014 discussing Redskins impending free agency and the draft, along with a bunch of other random thoughts. Click below to listen as we both get gradually drunker and more depressed about our favorite team.